The Difficulty of Fitting Into a Traditional Family as a Lesbian Couple: “When I Attended Her Grandfather’s Memorial Service”

In lesbian relationships, when the two have been together for a long time, the question of how to "integrate" into each other’s family inevitably arises.

Writer Liao Meixuan (廖梅璇, from Taiwan) has been with her girlfriend for eleven years. Throughout the whole 11 years, she avoided attending her girlfriend's family gatherings. She would listen to the gossips her grilfriend brought home, disscussing relatives’ vibrant lives.

But this year, her partner's grandfather passed away, and she wanted to attend the funeral. In a heterosexual relationship, this would be an ordinary visit. Yet as a same-sex partner—despite having visited the ailing grandfather several times—she still had no proper social identity under to show up as her girlfriend's "family".

Once there, hoping to “challenge heterosexual norms,” she suddenly felt timid in the presence of the big family, especially the older generations, one wouldn’t want to shock with the too-progressive notion of “lesbian.”

The atmosphere at the funeral was sombre. The elders in her partner’s family were restrained but courteous. She saw many of the relatives her girlfriend had mentioned over the years, recognising familiar features in their faces. And yet, she couldn’t help feeling that she was an outsider in the big family.

"Watching everyone grieve, I thought about my relationship with a woman born into this family. I love the traces of old-fashioned manners she carries with her, but I am, after all, an outsider. I’ve never been part of their laughter or conversation. From a distance, I can feel their nostalgia for a more prosperous past. But I also understand how my girlfriend, as a lesbian, has gently broken away from the traditions she once cherished, insisting on carving out her path in life. Breaking with convention is, after all, part of the modern thinking her elders brought back from Japan sixty years ago."

Her girlfriend's uncontainable grief at the funeral added to her sorrow. She recalled visiting her grandfather shortly before his death. Though he was already slipping in and out of consciousness, he spoke with surprising clarity about their relationship—recognising it in a way no one expected.

She also thought of her girlfriend's mother, a devout Christian who tries to balance her faith with her daughter’s sexuality, doing her best to accept and support the couple.

And she thought of old age—the possibility that she and her partner might never have children. Having stepped outside the framework of heterosexuality and traditional marriage, she wondered: in the end, would there be anyone left to worry for them, to remember them, to organise their funeral?

Liao Meixuan’s essay, When I Attended Her Grandfather’s Memorial Service, explores everyday life from a lesbian perspective. Even in Taiwan, where same-sex marriage is legal, same-sex couples still often find themselves uncertain of their place within traditional family structures.

The Book Cover of When I Attended Her Grandfather's Memorial Service